Jokes

[russ]

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Richo: Seven Sir


Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Richo: Seven


Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Richo: Six.


Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another

2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Richo: Seven!


Teacher: Where the f#ck do you get seven from?
Richo: I've already got a f##king rabbit at home.

[russ]

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies ..

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your ****ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your mother****ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't ****ing going anywhere! Got it, Arsehole?'

So he stayed home............
........and, they lived happily ever after.


Now, isn't that a sweet story?

[gbw]

You have been a joke hog, Mr Russ, so try this.

Paddy was asked if he preferred legs, thighs or breasts.
He replied that he had a particular fondness for shaved fannies.
He was informed that this wasn't an option when choosing a KFC Family Bucket.

[bones]

A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St Peter asked.

Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the sh*t out of the lot of ya's!"
St Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
Just a couple minutes ago..."

[gbw]

Time for a bit more class here...


The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:

She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or
your mistress."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." *-
Winston Churchill
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"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
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* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book, I'll waste no time
reading it." - Moses Hadas * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved
of it." - Mark Twain

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"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..." - Oscar
Wilde

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"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is
one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -
Stephen Bishop
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"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
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"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb
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"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -
Samuel Johnson

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"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

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"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -
Charles, Count Talleyrand* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
* * * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?" - Mark Twain

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"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - *Mae West

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"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -
Oscar Wilde

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"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support
rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - *Groucho
Marx

[Echo 2]

Another exchange between Churchill & Lady astor -

Lady Astor - " You're drunk ! "
Churchill - " ...and you, Madam, are ugly . The difference is when I wake up in the morning I will be sober ....."

[Gyrodes]

One of Birdy's indiginous mates turned up at the Halls Creek watering hole on his Harley bike the other week with a Dirty Harry stuck in his belt and a large number of rounds in his belt as well. Saunterd up to the bar and orderd a few drinks, He sat quietly there for an hour or so enjoying the liquid. When he finished his drinks he walked out side to find his Harley missing, so back inside he goes and orders 2 more drinks, Then in a very loud authoritive voice anounced that by the time he finished his 2 drinks his Harley had better be back or he would do what he did in Derby when the same thing happened. Well after slowly enjoying those two drinks he walked out to where he left the Harley and sure as night fallows day it was there. While he was putting on his helmet the bar tender could'nt constrain him self, so he asked "what happened in Derby? Birdy's indiginous mate replied " I had to bloody walk home!
Cheers Des Garvin

[russ]

And the Crowd Went Wild.....
The Pope and Kevin Rudd are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd, at the AFL Grand Final.
The Pope leaned towards Rudd and said,
"Do you know that with one little movement of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like those believers in a football match, but go deep into their hearts,and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Rudd replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me."

So the Pope backhanded the bastard!

[gbw]

A young blonde woman in Sydney called Suzanne was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge.

She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor named Jim saw her tottering on the edge of the Bridge crying.*

He took pity on her and said "Look, you have so much to live*for.*I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my *ship.I'll take good care of you and bring you food every *day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. "After all, what do I have to lose?"*
Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a*lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a*piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was*discovered by the captain."What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with Jim, one of your sailors, who's stowed me*away"*
she explained "I get food and free passage to*Europe, and he's screwing me."*

''He certainly is," the captain said.
*"This is the Manly *Ferry. "

[gbw]

Julia Gillard touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven*car.***

Suddenly, a cow jumps out onto the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Julia in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:
'You get out and check - you were driving. '

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Julia.

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
'My god, what happened to you? 'asks Julia.

The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me. '

'What on earth did you say? 'asks Julia.

'I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them:

'I'm Julia Gillard's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'
*