Jokes

[russ]

A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Sydney and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the girl behind the desk.
The Job Centre Assistant sorts through her files and replies.
"Oh, yes, here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist."
"You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear, lie them down and gently wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination."
"There's a starting annual salary of $95,000, but you're going to have to go to Perth."

"Oh, why? Is that where the job is?" he asks.

"No," replied the assistant, "that's the end of the queue."

[russ]

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW that I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan ..

[russ]

STOLEN CAR

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his
hand and he is stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,
"Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time
you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's dick
hanging out of his fly for all the world to see...

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing
yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and
without missing a beat, blurts out...

"Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

[russ]

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE

A little old sweet hearted Aboriginal lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be

confronted by a well-dressed young White Gentle Business Man carrying a Vacuum Cleaner.

'Good morning,' Said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of your preciousminutes

of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest inhigh-powered
vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' said the old traditional lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!'

andshe proceeded to close the door without further shyness ! !.

Quick as a flash, this young strong handsome the white Man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
itwide open.

'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my

"demonstration".

And with that, he emptied a bucket of her own stabled Horse Manure onto her hallway

carpet.

'If this Vacuum Cleaner does not remove all the traces of this Horse Manure

from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'

The old Aboriginal lady stepped back with a grin and Said Happily, 'Well let me get you a spoon, 'Cause

they cut off my Electricity this morning.'

[russ]

A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably fishing with his mates.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........

[russ]

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife.


He immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ''It's me wife! I've accidentally shot 'er & I tink I've killed 'er!''

Operator: ''Please calm down,


Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* *BANG*

Irishman: ''Okay, done that. What next?''

[russ]

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7... Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8... Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing...

[russ]

Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friendsrub her tummy and say “congratulations.”

But none of them rub your dick and say “well done”

[russ]

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

[russ]

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.