Fridays in Hell

[bones]

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!" :yikes:

[bones]

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided
it was time for marriage.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I would have
to say that I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, pondering this response. Then looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually and asked, "Was that one word, or two?

[bones]

We always hear the rules from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side..

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl, if it's up put it down. We need it up you need it down, you don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down..

1. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be..

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way..

1. Crying is blackmail..

1. Ask for what you want,let us be clear about this one: Subtle hints don't work ! Strong hints don't work ! Obvious hints don't work ! JUST SAY IT!!!!!

1."YES" and "NO" are perfectly acceptable answers to most questions

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do ! Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for !!

1. A head ache that lasts for 17 months is not normal it is a problem; See a doctor

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days!!

1. If you wont dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like Soap Opera guys..

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us for something that you don't want to hear..

1. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know the best way to do it, just do it yourself..

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we..

1. All men see in only 16 colours, like windows default settings. Peach for example is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have NO idea what mauve is..

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. WE do that..

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'NOTHING" we will act like nothing's wrong. We know that you are lying, but it's not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear..

1. When we have somewhere to go, absolutely anything you wear is fine. REALLY

1. Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss topics such as football, the shotgun formation, cars, and women..

1. You have enough clothes..

1. You have too many shoes..

1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape..

Thank you for reading this; Yes I know that I'm sleeping on the couch tonight, but did you men don't really mind that, it's like camping..